10. “I cherish this more than you’ll ever know.”  This turd was delivered by the stunning goddess / phenomenally talented Shoreh Aghdashloo during her acceptance speech at the 61^st Emmy Awards. Why must you quantify your gratitude? Fool, we know you’re happy about that damn award. I don’t need you feigning modesty.

9. “I want to dedicate this to anyone who’s ever had a dream.” Blech! From Academy Award winners to Jeff Probst of “Survivor” fame, this statement is a real bore. I get it; you feel like small town small potatoes and you just want all the little folk to know that they, too, can get where you are with a hope and a prayer. But in actuality, you sound like a self-important, mocking fool. Why not just come out dressed in aristocratic garb, sauntering around like Little Lord Fauntleroy and referring to the world as “You people _______.”

8.  “I’d like to thank Lorne Michaels.” OMF! Did the guy make a deal with the devil or something. Good lord. EVERYONE is thanking him. I mean, how many hands does Michaels have that they’re all in somebody’s cookie jar?

7.  “I wasn’t expecting this!” Really? You mean that camera guy crouched down at your feet as they announced your name didn’t tip you off? Interesting…

6. “I want to thank my agent.” Don’t bother. In ten years when you’re a nobody, that prick won’t be returning your calls. By not thanking him or her, you’re letting them know that they suck, years in advance.

5. “Thank you to the crew.” I’m only annoyed by this one because it’s still a big “fuck you.” Nobody ever pays attention to the credits. Nobody knows who the gaffer or the best boy is. And by blanketing these people into one vague statement of thanks, you’re keeping them there. Next time, I want names: “I’d like to thank Keisha, the craft services ho,” or “Big ups to Rollo, the poot-nasty makeup artist. Mac lip glass forevah, yo!”

4. “I couldn’t have done it without_________.” Yes, you could’ve. And you did. Which is why YOU’RE getting the award and your friends, family and other coworkers are watching you from their houses.

3. “They’re telling me to wrap it up.” Then do it, dummy. Those people aren’t saying that for you to use it for sympathy from the audience—they’re saying it because you’re funking up the stage with your long-winded diatribe.

2.  “I’d like to thank Jesus.” This one is lessening in popularity but every so often, a Jesus freak slips through the cracks. Note to celebrities:  Jesus ain’t thinkin’ nothin’ about your career. Dude’s got bigger fish to fry shaking off his legions of black female trim with a stick.

1.”I know I’m forgetting someone.” Uh, McFly, that’s why they invented pen and paper—so you’d look like less of a retard in front of half of the free world.