You love going out to see and be seen. But every so often, that stuff can be a royal pain in the you-know-what. When "yes" is not an option, and "no" simply won't do, there are always the old faithfuls. We've compiled a list of ten of the most popular blow-offs given in this great city. If you find yourself using these often, then you might want to change your M.O. and if you haven't, well...here's some inspiration.
10. "I'm getting the group together to hang this weekend. You should come." I get this one all the time from a particular friend of mine. Nice girl. But she and I have NOTHING in common. So, I get invited to all the annoying group hangouts with her irritating friends so she can technically say we’re still close, even though we never talk once I arrive. I will give her credit, though: Creating a void with someone, sometimes twelve people-deep takes real talent.
9. "Can't. I'll be in Ojai." Ojai has apparently become the number one travel destination for EVERYONE. Every time you turn around, somebody’s going to Ojai. Somebody who never has money to pay for his or her own movie ticket; never has the cash for groceries; doesn’t even own a car and has to bike everywhere is going to Ojai, all right--on a hope and a prayer with mythological ducats tucked into tiny gossamer wings. Trust me, only environmentally conscious celebrity hipsters with deep pockets hang there. Your friend (unless famous) does not…
8. "I wish I could, but I'm going to Israel." Hey, it’s L.A. (or as I like to call it, “Little Jerusalem.”). Still, there’s a war going on in the Middle East. And have I mentioned that we're in a recession? There’s not a single person in their right mind going to Israel unless they’ve just turned 18 and have to complete their Israeli Army training.
7. "You're very colorful." The social kiss of death. If someone tells you that you’re colorful, that’s their diplomatic way of saying, “You are 8 shades of crazy and I don’t know how to tell you to go to hell.”
6. "My mom's in town." True, not everyone comes from the putrid, hillbilly stankhole that I did. Still, parents understand that you have a life. In fact, many parents love it when their kids engage socially while they’re in town visiting; it gives them time to go through your shit. And if that’s the reason why you don’t want to leave your mom’s side then put whatever you don’t want her to see on lock-down and jet!
5. "I'll Facebook you." Ah…the old Facebook routine. True, many people use social networking as a device in which to stay socially connected. However, it’s also become a great way to keep someone at arm’s length. At the end of the day, the one-on-one hangout is king. If you’re only communicating via Facebook or Twitter, then you’re not worth this person’s time. Try to get him or her to call or stop by instead.
4. "Oh, I can't. I'm going to Disney." Hehe! This one really cracks me up. I believe I've already mentioned the recession, people! NO ONE’S going to Disney. Not even Disney employees, because they’re all getting laid-off. A ticket to the happiest place on earth (the Anaheim chapter) is roughly $45 these days, for goodness sake. A D.J. with whom I’m acquainted used this excuse on me recently. I thought, “You’re going to Disney on a Friday night? You don’t even like kids.”
3. "My band is playing a show tonight." I doubt that. You know what your friend’s band sounds like: C-R-A-P. This excuse is most commonly used by people who want to give the impression that they’re too cool to kick it with you, even though they’ve got absolutely nothing going on. This way, you’ll constantly strive for their company with better and better offerings.
2. "I'm about to go on a hike." Dude, no you’re not. This excuse is especially funny when it comes from a particularly urban guy or gal who never takes walks around his or her neighborhood—who cowers and bitches any time a stray animal is seen walking the streets. If you’re hiking anywhere in the Los Angeles Metro area, you will be encountering coyotes and mountain lions. Translation: if your friend hates nature but tries to get out of spending time with you to go hiking, that person is a liar.
1. "Let's do something soon. I'll call you." No, you won’t. You won’t, because this isn’t a real offer of friendship; this statement is punctuation. Everyone uses it. It means nothing. It’s just much more clever than, “Goodbye,” and less ridiculous than, “Peace out, homeslice!”¤
